Gone? by Katie Brown

I believe no one will ever truly be gone. Even if someone leaves you, through death or just leaving, they will always be a part of you. No matter how hard you try to forget about them and move on their memory will always be kept in the back of your mind.

I realized this about four years ago when my grandmother died from cancer. My entire family was devastated at the loss and we mourned for what felt like forever, we couldn’t believe she was really gone. I remember feeling as though I didn’t really get to say goodbye because my aunt and uncle were taking care of her when she died. After her funeral everyone was still in shock that she was truly gone, once we finally got home my brother said “I remember when she took [my brother, my sister, and I] out late on a school night to go get ice cream and she told us to finish it fast or she would get in trouble from [our parents]”. We all laughed at the memory and then cried again because we would never be able to share any funny moments like that again with her. Then my dad shared another memory, until eventually we were all sharing funny memories about her. We laughed and cried together for a little while then went to bed. Once I was in bed my parents came upstairs and I cried into their arms saying that I missed her. I tried to conceal my feelings after that, thinking that if I could run away from them I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain, but eventually they caught up to me.

It was inevitable.

From this experience I learned that by letting someone into your life, you are giving your brain permission to save memories of them, and giving them permission to make an impact on your life. Whether it be good or bad, those memories will always be with you. You can’t escape them or how they make you feel, and when you try to move on the feelings only become stronger. I learned that in time the pain will dull, however sometimes they come bubbling to the surface, usually in the hardest moments of your life.

Now, if something happens to me or my family I don’t try to conceal or run away from my feelings because I know that I can’t, that no matter what I do, the love for her and the grief of losing her will always cause me pain. She won’t ever truly be gone because of how big of an impact she made on my life. I will never forget her, because I can’t and I don’t want to. Even now I still miss her and I will occasionally wake up because I miss her so much. Every couple of months I will think about her and what it would be like if she were still alive and healthy. I miss her almost as much as I did when she first died. Even still, I know that she will never leave me, and that I will never try to run from my feelings of grief.



She will never truly be gone.